English stories (funny and joke), pls don't delete this thread!

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fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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23/5/04
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#1
Em mở chuyên mục này hy vọng các bác Admin không xoá nó vì nó không dùng đến tiếng Việt. Mà có cần dịch ra không nhỉ? Xin hãy cho ý kiến.

Yes, ofcouse…

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play Violin after the operation?"

"Yes, ofcouse…"

"Great! I never could before!"

 
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fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#2
Gift for teacher

It was the kindergarten teachers’ birthday and the students decided that thay would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said: "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher toughed the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmm… is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Nooo… ," replied the little girl, " It’s puppy."

 
fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#3
Statue of Venus

The teacher brings a statue of Venus in to class and asked, "What do you like best about it, class? Let’s start with you, Fooly_kid"

"The art work," says Fooly_kid.

"Very good. And you, Honghot?"

"Her tits!" says Honghot.

"Honghot, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust.

"And you, Cam_to?"

"I’m leaving, teacher, I’m leaving…"
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#4
Kiểu đó giống cái kiểu của Cutý nhà ta bảo : dạ thưa cô, chào cô năm sau em đến lớp à !
Chết sao lại phản ánh đúng bản chất thế không biết ! tiếc là bác Hóng hớt dạo này già quá không bắn nhau được chứ không thì .......
Cứ từ từ ! đợi đấy để anh về đi học tiếng Anh đã nhé !
 
Meggie

Meggie

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4/8/04
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on the earth
#5
(Must be read with Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy

:wall: :wall: :wall:


(em có cả file mp3, người Ý đọc hẳn hoi :lol: , không upload được bác nào thích, em gửi.... )
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#6
Fooly_Kid has been engaged for almost a year. He to be married next month.

His fiance''s mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited he to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what they had expected it to be. When he got to her place they reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then her floored F_K. She said that in a month F_K would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with f_K.:1luvu:

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that f_K knew where the door was if F_K wanted to leave. :wall:

F-K stood there and finally decided that He knew how to deal with this situation. He headed out the front door...There, leaning against his car was her husband, my soon-to-be father-in-law. father-in-law was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure F_k was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. F-K shook his hand and he congratulated f_k on passing their little test.:bigok:

F_k kept it to himself that He thought their "little test" was bullshit, but He marrying their daughter, not them.

F-K also kept to himself that the reason that he was walking out to his car was to get a condom.

:banana:



Have fun !
 
N

newworld

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6/7/04
106
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Hanoi
#7
Hi! Fooly_kid seems to be very interested in English. :cool2: :cool2:

Syncronyms
3 couples are having dinner together. The first husband says to his wife, 'Pass me the sugar, sugar.'

Not to be outdone, the second husband says, 'Could you pass me the honey, honey?'

Most impressed by these clever endearments, the third husband leans over to his wife and says, 'Pass me the pork, pig.'
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#8
Trước khi kể truyện làm thủ tục cái :2toothbru

F**K is A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. When time for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don''t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler...




:rotfl:
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#9
Chắc ông đụng vào cái loại :
Xúc miệng nước trắng nhổ ra nước chè rồi F_k ạ !
Cũng may là bác hóng hớt không nhẩy vào !
 
T

ttn

Guest
#10
Enjoy your weekend with:

The daugther´s....

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, thE girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#11
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ?You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer.?
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ?You bastard!?
The judge continues, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.?
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ?You bastard!?
The judge says, ?Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem??
Then the man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived
next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer
he said he never had one!''
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#12
F_ _K and EN in Offline WKT :
- Do you like the kids?
- No, but the process itself...
 
fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#13
cam_to_80 nói:
F_ _K and EN in Offline WKT :
- Do you like the kids?
- No, but the process itself...
Good job man! But do not call my name in a abriviation like f_k My nick name is fooly_kid. :biggrin: I just do not want people miss understanding my nick. he he. Let's keep this thread lives more longer than I think.
Thank all of you!
 
fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#14
cam_to_80 nói:
F_ _K and EN in Offline WKT :
- Do you like the kids?
- No, but the process itself...
Good job man! But do not call my name in an abbreviation like f_k My nick name is fooly_kid. :biggrin: I just do not want people miss understanding my nick. he he. Let's keep this thread lives more longer than I think!
Thank all of you!
 
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fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#15
Tit for tat

Bernard, who is noted for his graciuos manners, was awakened one moring at 4:44 A.M by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M, Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just call to say that I don’t have a dog."

 
fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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#16
Wrong husband

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The one replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

 
N

newworld

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6/7/04
106
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Hanoi
#17
SAUSAGE

An Asian woman married an English gentleman and they live happily ever after in London.

However, the poor lady was NOT very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher shop and wanted to buy chicken legs. She did not know how to put forward the request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and she went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to she the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communciate this, she brought her husband to the store.......

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN.......

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************WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?????
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HER HUSBAND SPEAKS ENGLISH!!
NOW, GET BACK TO WORK.........
 
cam_to_80

cam_to_80

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#18
:lol:
The butcher got the sample !
It can help her more than what she want !
 
N

newworld

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6/7/04
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Hanoi
#19
If Cam_to_80 were the butcher, the story would have another ending, surely much more interesting.
 
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N

newworld

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6/7/04
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#20
A Case For The FBI
------------------
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
 

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