English stories (funny and joke), pls don't delete this thread!

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- How is your baby? "
- Well, the child was born without a Bird:banana: ... ( em cho cái này vào vì tìm từ đó tiếng anh không thấy cái loại nào dùng cho trẻ em cả )
- "Oh, oh my goodness!"
- No problem ! " she''ll have a nice place to put one in 16 years!"
 
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fooly_kid

fooly_kid

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I’m practicing my trumpet

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten_year_old niece answered the phone.
“Hello,” She whispered.
“Hi, honey. How’s your mother?” I asked.
“She’s sleeping,” she answered, again in whisper.
“Did she go to the doctor?” I asked.
“Yes, she got some medicine,” my niece said softly.
“Well, don’t wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?”
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, “Practicing my trumpet”
 
fooly_kid

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What I gonna do tonight?

Tony’s wife passed away and he was almost inconsolable. At the cemetery he collapsed with grief. In the car, riding back home, his whole frame shook with wild sobs.
“Now, now, Tony, my boy,” soothed his friend. “It’s really not so bad. I know it’s tough now, but in six months maybe you find another beautiful bambina and before you know, you get married again.”
Tony turned to him rage, “Six months!” he shouted. “what I gonna do to night?”
 
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Recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.

10% of those men surveyed preferred women with large thighs.

10% of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

And the other 80% preferred what''s in-between

:banana:
 
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newworld

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A baby was just born. He was the perfect healthy baby boy except for one thing, he was laughing like crazy.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing,
in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing,
his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to
check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he found?
The birth control pill!
 
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newworld

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A lady goes to see her doctor with some worrying symptoms and he examines her.
"I'm sorry," he says "but it's bad news. You have only six months to live."
The patient says, "Oh Doctor. That's terrible. What should I do?"
The doctor says, "I advise you to marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?"
"No," says the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer."
 
fooly_kid

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Kids and Laundry

This is one true stories, I've ever heart

My children's personalities can best be described by their approach to laundry:


[Child One] Will take care of his own laundry as needed.
[Child Two] Will find a woman to do it for him.
[Child Three] Will wear dirty clothes.
[Child Four] Will happily go naked.

 
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fooly_kid

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Ho, Ho, Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld (go figure)
 
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn''t gone too far when my husband''s mule stumbled.
"My husband quietly said ''That''s once.'' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, ''That''s twice.'' We hadn''t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said ''That''s once.''"
 
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The traffic cop stopped Kitten_HN for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver''''s license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I''''ve ever seen. I''''m glad to see you aren''''t one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"
"Sir," KT_HN replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
 
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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can''t get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You''re in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn''t give me an erection either."
 
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A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting
to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign
affairs, the husband asked, "Honey, what do you think about
the Middle East position."
His wife replied, "I don''''t know, have we already tried it?"
 
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"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students have sex until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn''t answer the phone."
 
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Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers.
Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers.
Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers
 
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newworld

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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Either of which is probably tax deductible.
 
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newworld

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An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."
The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"
"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."
 
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The cost of marriage

Little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it"

:lol: :lol:

Someone has other answers?

 
Meggie

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on the earth
How I was born ?


SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway! Mom
and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail
with your mom, and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's
memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.

And that's the story.
 
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newworld

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork...
Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says,
"Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I
will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion
dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list
with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red
Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

**********
**********
**********
**********
**********

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!
 
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newworld

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The following story is a bit long but the English and the description are really good. Read it several times, you'll find it more interesting


[size=+3]Surprise[/size]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down.

Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next.
By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party
.
 
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